When I think about my body image issues, I think back to the day where I laid in bed, trying to fall asleep, but I couldn't push out my feelings of despair and hopelessness. I felt unwanted, and my relational issues turned into physical issues. That night I went to the bathroom sobbing, and tried to puke up my feelings. That was the first of only two times that happened, and I am happy to say that neither time did it work.
For the past few years, I have had really negative views on my body. I secretly wished I had the self control to be anorexic or bulimic. But I just didn't. I hated myself for it, but what could I do, I loved to eat. I am basically done with the book Purge: Rehab Diaries by Nicole Johns, a memoir/self-help book about a woman with Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS). This book is fantastic because it truly dives deep into the disordered eating brain. Reading this book is making me so thankful that my depression never turned into an eating disorder, even though I was secretly waiting for it to happen. I am happy to say that my depression is pretty much gone and that my body image is much better than it used to be. I am so much happier with myself than I used to be, and this book is really opening up my eyes to what could have been. It is a heart-wrenching story.
Just a side note, please don't let this post worry anyone out there. This book is just making me realize how much happier I am now than I once was.
22 October, 2013
I am honestly so confused as what to do next year. I'm applying to a couple more grad schools purely for the sake of my professor (I know its bad, but I love him so how could I not? Also, these are great schools that I would be lucky to go to and someday want to go to). However, if I teach abroad next year, I'm seriously struggling about where to go. I know I want to go to Asia; my heart just knows its where I belong. At first I just wanted to go to China or South Korea, but now my heart is leaning toward Myanmar, Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand, or Indonesia. Okay fine, I have absolutely no idea where I want to go next year. I am in serious need of help, and would love any advice. Please please please, if you have any ideas of where would be better or worse to go, please leave a comment or e-mail me. I am so confused and have no idea what my next step should be.
21 October, 2013
One of the most depressing things to me about coming back from Italy was my Instagram. I constantly was telling myself while I was abroad that I was going to delete my Instagram once I came home, because it would be too sad to look at. I also was especially depressed when I went from posting pictures of international historical monuments to posting pictures of my cats. It was depressing. But now I've been back from Rome for five months, and I've been back at school for about two months now, meaning my life is truly back to 'normal'. I was perusing my Instagram account this morning to discover that my Instagram has gone from photos of monuments and places to photos of people. While I don't find Minnesota to be an exciting or super fun place, Minnesota is home to the most amazing people in the world. I am truly blessed to have the people in my life that I do. Its going to be really hard to leave these people next year. However, I know that these people will remain in my life somehow, and they will be going their own directions, anyway.
15 October, 2013
I can't quite recall when my map obsession began. I think it began at the same time as my wanderlust obsession, so probably sometime after I got back from China. But maps are my absolute favorite. I made a poster for my room last summer by cutting out letters that say
an irresistible desire to
travel to understand
one's very existence.
glued them to a world map, and got it laminated. Voila, poster of my dreams. It was basically the outline for my tattoo, that is the same thing, just without the actual definition of the word. I catch myself, though, just staring at the map in my room. It's right at eye level right by my bed, so it's not difficult to get caught up in it. I think my love of maps is just an extension of my love of traveling. Looking at a map is like looking at my future; the possibilities are endless. To think that some of these tiny dots in the world hold people on them, and those people have their own cuisine, language, culture... just blows my mind. Maps are more than just maps of land, but they are maps of lives. Maps show history, people, cultures... maps just truly amaze me.