To be honest, I'm having a really hard time transitioning back home. And no, I'm not sitting here crying every day about how much I miss Rome. I do miss Rome, with all of my heart, but I also really missed Minnesota when I was in Rome. I think I've traveled enough to know that places are just that, places, and they will be there after you leave, and you can always go back. The prospect of the future is what keeps me going.
That being said, America is what is making it so hard to transition. No, I'm not saying "Ohmygosh, I can't believe you are wearing sweatpants to the grocery store" (though it still weirds me out) or "I can't believe you guys drink this and call it wine" (but really, how?!). It's more the American State of Mind that is bothering me. I was so OCD and perfectionist before I left, and then I went to Italy, where not only do they care less, but I went to a school that I did not care at ALL about, and all of my anxiety went away. It was fantastic. The whole time I was just so amazed at how relaxed I was all the time.
And then I came home.
Not only did I go back to the States, which is such a GO GO GO society, but I came back to the summer before senior year. The summer I always planned on doing some amazing research opportunity, but I'm not because OH WAIT no school wanted me. And then all of my senior friends are telling me what grad school they're going to or what country they're teaching English in or what company they're working for and OH WAIT I have to start applying for those. And OH WAIT to get into those I have to take the GRE. And because I don't have this amazing research opportunity I have to apply for this mediocre job at Caribou or something and OH WAIT they all want long term employees, not someone who literally wants 3 months of work to obtain as much as the company's money as possible and then to never return, hopefully not even after I graduate because I'm going to obtain some amazing opportunity that will never put me back at a place like Caribou (amIright?!). So basically, my excitement about the future that I've been having these past few months turned into HOLY CRAP THE FUTURE IS A REAL PLACE AND YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THERE BUT THERE ARE ABSOLUTELY NO DIRECTIONS POSSIBLE BUT IF YOU MAKE A WRONG TURN THAT SUCKS BECAUSE THERE ARE NO U TURNS IN LIFE. I know this is an exaggeration, but this is how my anxiety-prone mind works. And a lot of my friends are like "Wow I wish I didn't have a job so I had as much free time as you!" But a) I know they're all lying, anyone would take work over no money any day and b) they don't seem to understand that I've never had so much free time in my life and I'm actually driving myself crazy.
Point of the matter is, I need to find a job or SOMETHING to occupy my time. I got an amazing part time job, but its EXTREMELY part time, and I need something else to fill my schedule. Otherwise I'm just going to go crazy by the end of the summer and won't even make it to senior year. Sorry this blog is less exciting than the rest of them, thats what happens when I'm living in White Bear Lake and the most exciting weekend trip I can take is to Milwaukee (that one's coming up in July, so hold on to your horses!).
24 May, 2013
So I've been back from Rome for over a week now. I'm still not really sure what I think of it, being as I try to avoid any conversation having to do with being gone. One thing I've realized after studying Ancient Roman history in Rome: I love history. At first I thought I just loved learning history right where it happened. Well, maybe that is the case. Anyway, I have this huge desire to learn American history now. I watched the movies Lincoln and Argo on my flight to New York from Rome, and I was so amazingly fascinated, because I realized how much there is to learn. I didn't try to learn at all this semester, I just did so because I was on site, learning about history where it happened. So now I'm back here, with no job, and no class, while my friends are still in school. I'm actually insanely jealous, and wish I was in class. I really wish I could be taking classes and learning about the history of my country, the one that I've come to appreciate so much more after being gone for four months. Well, I'm officially a senior and it is officially too late for me to add any majors or minors or anything. So, now comes the time when my education truly is in my hands. I am now responsible for whether or not I want to further my education in something I know I'm not going to go further into. This is a terrifying and exciting time, I have no idea how to pursue these interests, but I'm going to make it happen! Hopefully. It may be limited to historical fiction and historical piece movies, but we'll see!