12 December, 2012

It IS a Wonderful Life!

So I've been thinking a lot about the movie It's A Wonderful Life a) because my ex boyfriend did a really great impression of the main character in that movie and b) it's my father's favorite Christmas movie. My father's birthday was a few weeks ago (November 27th, he'd be 53) and Christmas is just around the corner, so I've been thinking about him a lot lately.  I think it's because I'm reaching this point in my life called "adulthood", and it's weird that I'm reaching yet another milestone without him.  Soon I'll be living in Rome by myself, then I'll be graduating college, off to graduate school, and then I'll be married and having kids.  I'm only four years off from having my dad be a part of only half of my life.  Before I know it, my dad will be a small part of my life, which is truly depressing.  Because my father was a great and wonderful man.  He is my inspiration, and I will never succeed at something without crediting him for it.  I am who I am because he pushed me to be the best I could be.  He worked his ass off to make my life as wonderful as it is, and I cannot begin to thank him enough for it.
"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives.
When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?"
It's a little ironic that my father's favorite Christmas movie was It's A Wonderful Life.  It's about a man who works at a bank or something like that during The Great Depression, and he becomes suicidal once the banks go under.  As he's about to jump off a bridge into an icy river, an angel named Clarence comes up and stops him.  He grants the man's wish that he had never existed, and this man gets to see what would have happened to the people around him, had he never been born.  In the end, he realizes that life is much better with him in it, and he realizes that he indeed has a wonderful life.  It's really a touching story about how important everyone and everything is, and it's set at Christmas time, and I'm tearing up just thinking about it.  Anyway, my father's life touched so many lives, and it's amazing how different my life is now that my father is dead.  I was talking to some friends and they were joking around about how they call their dads only when they need something or need to complain.  I obviously didn't say anything, because they don't realize what they're saying.  No one who hasn't lost a parent understands how hard it is to face some of the daily conversations and situations that everyone else has no issue with.  I came across a stand in the mall that was selling spatulas with sports logos on them.  I instantly thought in my head, "I should get that for dad".  Which is weird, since I haven't bought him a present since I was twelve years old.  Literally, almost ten years ago.

I guess there's no real point to this post other than the fact is: I miss my daddy.  More than usual.  And I just want someone to give me a hug and tell me that it's going to be alright, that a girl can handle the rest of her life without her dad.  But I feel like I'm just realizing now that he's not coming back.  You know those stupid things you see on PostSecret and whatnot, about people who experience death at a young age not believing that the person who died actually died, but ran away or whatever?  Yeah, I still secretly believe that.  I still secretly believe that he's going to walk by down the street, or show up to my college graduation.  I would forgive him for the pain he's caused me by leaving my family, because that's less pain than it is to realize that he's actually gone, now and for good.  I still dream about meeting up with him again, and it's just weird to think about interacting with him.  I haven't seen or talked to him since I was twelve years old.  I don't even remember what it was like being twelve years old.  I'm a completely different person now, and he doesn't get to see that until I die, which I really hope isn't for a long time.  How fair is that?  How fair is it that people get to live forever with parents and they dont realize how great they have it?  Not at all.  Sorry for the ranting.