25 July, 2012

Working for the Weekend

I see a girl in passing pretty often who, when I ask, "Hey, how are you?" she answers, "Oh good, but I can't wait until the weekend.  I thought this was normal until I recently came to a realization.  2/7, or 28%, of your life is weekend.  5/7, a whopping 62%, is not.  Why are we wasting almost 2/3 of of our lives looking forward to and wishing for a different 2/7?!  14% of our lives are Mondays, and 50% of our lives are mornings.  That is a lot of wasted time. I know that realizing that I'm wasting a lot of my time won't make me automatically love every minute of my life, but why not try to?  I just don't know why we have to spend our lives wishing we were some time else.  I'm really sick of wasting my life.  Life does not start in your thirties, life started when you were born.  You could die tomorrow.  Stop wasting it.
Just a random thought.

20 July, 2012

What I've Been Looking For

I have watched So You Think You Can Dance for years, but few dances have truly touched me like this one.  Yes, there was the Mia Michaels routine where she is imagining meeting her father again in heaven, but other than that, none truly were about my life.  This isn't about the place I'm at right now or anything, but it is one of the few pieces that have ever brought me to tears.  I was completely speechless when this routine was done, and I actually walked directly up here to write this post because I had to write down my feelings about it.
I was in a serious relationship, and I thought I had met the love of my life.  During that time, I had thought that I was truly, madly, deeply in love.  Don't get me wrong, I did love him, but it wasn't the kind of love that this piece is about.  It's amazing how much your opinion can change on something as simple as love.  When I was dating my ex, I thought that true love was real, we all had someone out there who was perfect for us, we just had to find them and realize the love we deserve.  However, now that I'm single, its really hard to think that there is a stranger out there who could someday be my very best friend.  To think that someone out there is meant to love me and only me?  Seems really far fetched.  But believing that he's not out there for me is even stranger.  It is logical that your one true love doesn't exist, but what is there to look forward to then?  We as human beings are made for relationships, we were never made to walk alone.  There's a Greek myth about how people were made with four arms, four legs, and two heads, but Zeus realized how dangerous they were, so he split us up.  It is now our job to find our other half.
What I'm getting at, is love is scary as hell.  To surrender yourself and your heart to someone else who can easily throw it away, take advantage of it, and eventually break you, is really, really courageous.  There are so many risks to falling for someone.  However, I would rather take those risks than live my life alone.  And I'm actually 100% okay with being single right now. I love my friends, and they're all I really need for now.  But if someone comes along who just so happens to light up my world like no body else, why would I not think that he might be worth falling for?  The meaning behind this dance has shown me that a love like that is what I want.  I want someone whose touch electrifies me and whose mind is my best friend.  I don't want someone just so I have a hand to hold and someone to hold me when I'm sad.  I want the relationship above all, and I had forgotten that until Sophie reminded me.
This is what amazes me most about dance.  I just watched a 1:33 routine, and here I am, writing about how I have learned that I need to risk getting hurt if it means I could potentially find the one.  The power of dance, people.

18 July, 2012

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes?

I have a new dream.  The first one I have ever thought is entirely not possible, which is kinda depressing.  Reading the book Looking for Alaska by John Green has made me want to become an author.  Specifically, I really want to write books that make people think.  I was in a haze for at least 5 hours after finishing that novel purely because it was such a beautiful story of something that happens to a lot of us: grief.  Don't get me wrong, J.K. Rowling is an amazing author, and most of the novels I love are books more like hers than Green's.  However, I would love to be able to write a story that makes people think about their life.  I want to think and say and write things that people not only find interesting, but potentially inspiring.  I wish I could be half as brilliant as the people who are quoted years after their death.  I can't imagine how touched I would be if people were to think that my words were of importance for their lives.  To write something that transcends time would truly be amazing.
However, the main problem with that is that I'm not creative and I've never had an original idea in my life.  Which is why me writing a book is probably never going to happen.  I truly feel that I'm more likely to get a recording contract than get a book written.  So we'll see.

16 July, 2012

Addiction to Fiction

I am a reader.  It's a fact.  I adore being taken into a new world with new people and new stories and being able to experience something I would not have been able to experience otherwise.  Unlike watching a television series or movie, a book requires thinking.  I can stare at the TV and say I watched something, but you can't do that with a book.  You have to devote your attention to it for a couple hours, and I love the feeling of accomplishment at the end of it.  Something that takes 5 minutes on TV can take 20 or 50 pages in a book (or 250, if you're J.R.R. Tolkein).  Some people hate that, because people nowadays are so impatient.  Honestly, people believe that if it takes too long its not worth it.  Well you know what, books are worth every minute.  Yes, there are some awful books (cough cough The Alchemist cough cough), but there are truly some amazing reads out there.  I become truly attached to characters; they become my best friends.  I honestly mourned the "death" of Kartik in the Gemma Doyle series, and I still tear up when I think about what happened to him.  These are not just stories for me, these are journeys that I was a part of.
The author John Green has had a huge impact on me lately, and I have only read two of his novels (one and a half?  He only wrote half of Will Graysen Will Graysen).  However, I have watched a lot of his youtube videos, and a lot of his famous quotations are truly my favorites, i.e.:
What's the point of being alive
if you don't at least try to do
something remarkable?
John Green said something in one of his youtube videos about how there are a million versions of his novel Looking for Alaska out there, because no two people read the same book.  I never thought of it this way, but it is so true.  How do people come up with different cannons and OTPs if we all read every book the same?  I truly think that is a beautiful thing.  That as well as the fact that people are able to come up with such beautiful stories in their minds and put it on paper in a way that is enjoyable to read.  I am so uncreative, that it is amazing to me that people like J.R.R. Tolkien and J.K. Rowling are able to come up with such outrageously complicated worlds and make it understandable.  And then there are authors such as John Green who are able to write a normal story about a boy who meets a girl who then dies, and writes it in such a way that I am left in a haze for days after finishing it, because I cannot get over the beauty of the meaning of the novel.  Becoming a reader has not only changed what I do with my time (my computer is off a lot more than it used to be), but it has changed my friendships and my perspective on life.  Basic meaning of this post: I love to read, and I hope this is a phase I carry with me to my grave.

This is an amazing piece of spoken word by Mark Grist about why he prefers girls who read.  I don't need a guy who will read the same books as me, but I need someone who not only tolerates my habit, but finds it adorable, even sexy.

09 July, 2012

Give a little time to me to burn this out.

So a lot of my friends have heard me talk about this artist I just discovered a few weeks ago, like, all the time.  He is all I listen to, and I just absolutely adore him.  And I wanted to explain why.  I mean, he's really not that attractive, and I'm not fangirling over him, just in love with his music. Basically I love him because of his lyrics.  He dated some girl named Alice for four years, and they broke up like a year ago.  And so, the majority of his music speaks to me.  Not in a vague, I-just-want-to-make-it-work speaks to me, but literally, works for the exact situation I was in with my feelings about my break up.  He actually has  brought up a lot of feelings that I've forgotten about/stuffed away, which is a really bittersweet thing.  He has a line 'She was mine, I was hers and all that's in between.'  Oh goodness, breaks my heart basically every time.  A few nights ago I sobbed for the first time since... March?  Wow.  That's a long time for this year.  He just has beautiful music that really touches me.  He has a song called 'Wake Me Up', which is beautiful mostly because of how personal it is.  No one else can sing that song to someone, because every line is specific to their relationship and this girl that he dated.  And I just think its beautiful that he would be willing to put himself out there like that, for the world to see.  He's not afraid to show his emotions.
It doesn't help that he has an amazing voice and is amazing at guitar.  He basically makes me feel like I will never accomplish anything with my life.
And Alice, you're stupid.  I don't care if you were going to college, you were dating an amazing musician who really loved you and wasn't afraid to tell you.  Good luck finding that again.
This song, Sunburn, is basically the song that makes me the saddest.  But it's better that I'm facing my emotions than hiding them away.  As long as I don't let it put me back to where I was.  Which I won't.  I  no longer miss him, just the relationship and love we had.  But he's not that person anymore, so I don't want him anymore.  His loss, really.  Until I find someone new, I guess I just have Ed to keep me company :)
Oh, and if Ed's reading this, I'd kiss you like you want to be loved.  Just so you know :)

Also, he talks about how he needs a girl to keep him warm in about half of his songs.  And I love to cuddle.  So it just works for me.


"I think we might have made a mistake leaving the Shire, Pippin."

I remember the few times my father would tuck me into bed as a child, and I would ask him to tell me a story to put me to sleep.  He would tell me this magical tale of a hobbit named Bilbo, who went on a journey with ten or so dwarves, and ended up meeting some nasty creature named Gollum, where he stole/riddled his way to a ring.  You're probably catching on to the fact that my father stole these ideas from a great writer by the name of J.R.R. Tolkien.  The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy were his favorite books, and I have finally started reading them, and I'm loving it.  I don't care that it took 270 pages for the hobbits to make it out of the Shire, I'm loving this book.  I can't decide, however, if it is because it's a fantastic book or because it makes me feel so much closer to my father.  Going to college was the hardest thing I had to do since he died, for it was the only time I truly needed him.  My mom had never been to college, so she had no idea what to expect.  When I had no idea what to do with my life, she didn't know how to help, because she had never been in that situation.  So these past two years I've missed him so much more than the five before.  And now my mom has a boyfriend.  He's great, don't get me wrong.  He actually gave me one of the biggest compliments I've ever received yesterday, by telling me to apply to be a Rhodes Scholar.  He really looks up to me, and it was touching.  But you know, I would much rather have my Dad admiring what I've done with my life.  I feel like this past year would have been easier if he had been around, because I've always felt like I put too much importance on the males in my life since I lost my father.  So I just love the feeling of connectedness to my father that comes with reading this book.  My dad read these exact words at one point in his life.  And they brought him joy.  It's amazing that, years after he died, we can still share something as special as this.  I also found that one of my favorite quotations is from The Fellowship of the Ring: Not all who wander are lost.  I almost cried when I saw that.  It's like God made this book to be special for me.  I haven't even finished the first of the four books, and I am already in love with this series.  LotR will never have the effect on my life that Harry Potter has, but it will always hold a special place in my heart.  It's really all I have left to connect with my dad, and that is enough for me.

Sam:  It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. 
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.