27 June, 2012

Brand New Day

This song, Brand New Day by Joshua Radin, is fantastic.  It truly speaks what we all need to hear, especially me right now.  And the video just speaks to what was going on in my life.  Shitty thing after shitty thing just keeps happening, when a normal person would start to think that it's just going to continue sucking.  But Joshua just doesn't let anything get him down.  I wish I could have that optimism sometimes.  My new therapist thinks that I hide my emotions and just try to be happy too much, but you know what, what is wrong with happy?  I'm not just hiding from my feelings of sadness and pain.  I'm just trying to realize that I have a lot going for me in life, so why focus on the few things that upset me?  I have a job, and a home, and I am on the path to a great career.  There are already a lot of people who would kill for what I have.  Yes, I have had a bad year.  But other people have worse years.  I lost my father.  That's a lot worse than what I went through in my life.  The only reason I've been struggling is that the things that have happened to me attacked me as a person.  I felt used, and unwanted, and losing my father, the hardest thing I've had to do, did nothing of the sort.  Losing my father didn't mean I was a failure, life just threw a curveball at me.  So I have to realize that just because I have made mistakes and done things that I probably shouldn't have this past year, I am not a bad person.  Everyone makes mistakes.  I have learned from it, and I am a better person because of it.  So now its Summer, a new chapter in my life, and things are looking up.  For the first time in a year, things are honestly looking up.  I can truly say that I am on the path to becoming truly happy with who I am.  And that is all I really want in my life.  Wherever it takes me, whatever it throws my way, I just want to be happy.


In order to rise
From its own ashes
A phoenix
First
Must
Burn.

Octavia E. Butler

21 June, 2012

If I've Learned Anything These Past Few Days...

It's that God answers prayers. Even unprayed prayers.  Yes, there are things that I have desperately wanted in my life that I have not received, but God answers me when I need Him most.  Yesterday was one of the loneliest days of my life.  I have few friends here at school, none of who I really want to hang out with that often, and all I really have to do is cook, watch True Blood/Game of Thrones, and read.  And when that's all you have to do, its really what you don't want to do.  I prefer to sit on my butt by choice.  However, yesterday, when I felt like I was going to burst into tears any second, I made a friend.  And she happened to be my roommate.  She talks a lot, and it bothered me, until I realized that I really enjoy her company, and we have a lot of similar interests.  She's a camp counselor, and she has hilarious stories to tell!  We were up until 1 am last night telling stories back and forth, and tonight we, along with our other roommate, went to get frozen yogurt, since we were all missing chocolate (our fourth roommate is allergic, so we can't have it in the apartment).  I never asked God for a friend.  I have friends, I thought.  I just need a boyfriend, someone to make me feel loved.  Well you know what, having one friend makes a world of difference.  I have never been so thankful to have someone to talk to in my life.  Plus, she lives the lifestyle that I'm on the pursuit of living, where I enjoy life rather than waste it getting wasted.  And she offered to teach me guitar.  So here I am, with sore fingers, after she taught me a song, power chords, six other chords, and a strumming pattern.  I honestly couldn't have had a better Wednesday night.  I'm almost sad that I'm leaving to go home tomorrow!

It's amazing how much difference a day makes.

P.S. The song she taught me just so happens to work with my life perfectly: Light the Fire.  It's one of her camp songs.

15 June, 2012

Call Me, Maybs?

I love this song.  I really just think it's a happy song that a lot of people can relate to, and I just love how everyone, and I mean everyone, knows all of the words.  It just brings people together. So here's an awesome version of an awesome song.


I'll Be the First to Say it: I'm Becoming a Hippie.

I told my friends last night about how I'm thinking about joining the Peace Corps.  And they jokingly responded with "Are you going to start dredding your hair and only eating granola?" And I chuckled inside, because I have been thinking for awhile about how I'm becoming a hippie.  Not the whole tree-hugger, vegan, never showering hippie.  My hippie-ness comes from my change in life perspective.  I've combined my Christian faith with Buddhist and yoga philosophies, and now I just have a completely new outlook on life.  My focus has shifted from me to those around me, and I've become a much more forgiving person.  I no longer judge, for who has that authority, really?  I've just realized that I can do some awful things, and I have to accept that we are all human, and people make mistakes.  As long as we are willing to forgive each other and ask for forgiveness - and mean it - when we do wrong, what else can we expect out of others?  I just want to live my life in a way that I am proud of myself and what I have done with my life. I want to be able to die in three years and not think that I am wasting my life. You know what, life does not start when we finally are married with children and have our dream career.  That's what we think when we consider what we want for our lives, but life is today.  I have been living my life for twenty years, and every day is a new opportunity.  I saw an amazing quotation online a few days ago: You better like what you're doing today, because you're trading a day of your life for it.  That really struck me.  Because the day I found it was the day that I spent lying around watching an entire season of True Blood.  And that really isn't worth a day of my life if you think about it.
I just think that I come off as really hippie-ish when I talk about my new philosophy, because I say a lot of things like, "Why are we wasting our time hating each other?  Why can't we just love each other? Why can't we just expect the best out of each other?"  I've come to realize that no matter how much I think that, others won't.  And I have to make sure that does not discourage me.  Because I want people to remember me as a kind and loving person, rather than a crabby bitch.  I want people to think about me and think about the good things I've done, rather than the bad things.  And in order for that to happen, I need to be a happy, positive, and loving person.  And I'm going to live my life that way.  And if that means I spend a few years in the Peace Corps, or  few years teaching English, or go directly to graduate school, so be it.  Whatever I do, I'm going to do it with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

14 June, 2012

Divergent

I read a book, recently.  A very good one at that.  It's about a girl in a dystopian society, where people are separated into five different factions based on a personality trait that is dominant in them - honesty, wisdom, bravery, selflessness, or peacefulness.  However, the book is called Divergent because the main character, Beatrice, later renamed Tris, is found to be Divergent at her placement test, meaning she fits into multiple factions.  This is a dangerous thing in this society, leading to an awesome adventure that I couldn't put down.
I have realized that I am truly like Tris.  No, I wouldn't choose to put myself in Dauntless (bravery), she actually immediately turned down the faction that I would have immediately chosen, Euridite (wisdom).  But I feel like I relate to her, because I feel like a divergent.  No, we are not separated into factions, but there are types of people.  There are country boys/girl, city kids, popular kids, athletic kids, artsy kids, hippies, etc.  I don't know what I label myself as.  Every group I've ever been a part of I have felt like I sort of don't belong.  I'm not a true sorority girl.  I don't like to drink and party all the time, mostly because I have better things to do.  However, I hate being a book worm that sits around all day reading and studying.  But I love to read.  I am a huge nerd.  Series like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings make me so happy.  But I feel like people wouldn't classify me as a nerd.  I feel like I have no distinct place in this world, and that is what makes me feel the most lonely at times.  No matter where I am, I always feel that there is somewhere else I should be.  However, my divergence sets me apart.  I like that I can't be defined by one or two words.  I like that I'm different.  The hardest part is accepting myself for who I am.  I have to come to terms with the fact that I cannot be classified, and instead of fitting into a predetermined role, I need to make my own.  Simple as that.


Easier said than done.  But it'll happen eventually.

13 June, 2012

Africa

After going back to China, I decided I wanted to see the world.  And not just Europe; Europe is too much like the U.S.  I love it, I just want to see places that have cultures and experiences completely different than my own.  So I want to go to Africa.  I got this bracelet for free in St. Louis, MO that looks African, so I wear it every day as a reminder that someday I will go to Africa.  I never knew what I wanted to do in Africa, but I had a realization this weekend at church that helped me find my calling.
I want to do mission work in Africa.
I actually would really love to take a year off and do that.  I've always wanted my life to make an impact, and I used to want it for selfish reasons.  I wanted to be an amazing person, I wanted people to look up to me and see this brilliant woman who has done so much.  Well, now I don't want any of that.  Who the hell cares if I'm brilliant?  If I live my life thinking that I need to be successful to be a good person, I will live a miserable life.  I was made for so much more than becoming just a professor who raises two and a half kids in suburban Minnesota with a decent husband.  I want to change the world.  I know that I can't do that alone, but I want to be a part of something bigger than myself, I want to help change lives.  And not for me, but because an accident of latitude and longitude should not determine whether someone lives or dies.  That was said an amazing philanthropist by the name of Bono.  I was so extremely blessed to be born into the United States of America.  I am part of the richest people in the entire world.  In the U.S., I am a completely average person, financially.  In the world, I am overflowing in money.  I told my mom I needed to borrow a pot when I moved into my apartment, and she bought me a ten piece kitchen set.  Do you know how many people desperately need that, and I just got it spur of the moment?  My sisters said that my kitchen had no food in it.  We have two pantries full of food.  After hearing my pastor speak this weekend about how we need to reach out to people across the world who have so little compared to us, this statement by my sisters made me sick to my stomach.  It is not fair that I was given so much because God gave me American parents.  God loves all of us equally, and I know that He has given me so much because He expects more from me.  I am going to survive.  I will never go a day without worrying where my next meal is coming from, if I'll be able to clothe myself, if I'll have a place to sleep that night.  So it is my job as a citizen of this world to help those who do not have these basic essentials.  Nothing would make me more proud of myself than if I could push myself out of my comfort zone and send myself across the world completely for other people, no selfish thought in mind.  Because I am a selfish person.  All of us Americans are.  And because of that, I need to push myself into situations that will force me to stop thinking of myself and start thinking of others.  Loving your neighbor was not advice that Jesus gave, but a commandment.


I know I already put the song "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath on my blog, but it really just fits.  I feel like God has given me the mindset to do mission work, and now everything affects me so much more.
Also I am adding this song because I think it is amazing and it is called Africa.  So it fits.


Oh yeah.  And I'm thinking of not going to graduate school and joining the Peace Corps instead.  No joke.

09 June, 2012

Wanderlust

I'm guessing the majority of you don't know what this word means.  I just saw it for the first time on tumblr a few weeks or months ago, and it quickly became my favorite word in the entire world.
wanderlust (noun) - the irresistible desire to travel the world to discover one's existence.
I love this word, because it completely describes me.  It's like this word was conjured up from the feelings inside my head.  Because I don't understand life.  I will never know the meaning of life, but never have I felt closer to it than when I was climbing the Great Wall of China.  It is impossible to know oneself when all you know is what you're used to.  I only know what is important to me by exploring worlds and cultures outside of my own.  I do not travel and scrutinize other cultures, I go with a completely open mind and let it change and mould me.  I came back from China with a new outlook on life, and I pray to God that I have another life-changing experience when I'm in Rome Spring semester.  I do not plan on surviving life, I plan on living it.  And I feel like I can only truly do that by experiencing as much of the world as possible.  I have caught the travel bug, and this is a chronic disease, no cure in sight.  People make fun of me for my obsession with travelling, but I don't really care.  If that's what I want to spend my money and time on, that's my decision.  All I know, is that my excitement comes from an airplane, and my joy comes from being surrounded by a foreign culture and language.

The world is a book, and those who
do not travel read only one page.

07 June, 2012

I Get by with a Little Help From My Friends

I am blessed.  The friends I made my senior year of high school are truly some of the best friends I have ever had in my entire life.  These girls are real, and they really don't care about petty things like drama.  We bonded over Harry Potter, honest to God, and I love that about our friendship.  Yes, we make fun of eachother for our nerdy qualities, but we really love that about our friendship.  We can talk about books for hours.  We can have a Harry Potter marathon, where we can legitimately watch the first six movies in one day.  We do plan on having a Peeta Party, where we make cheesy rolls and eat pita chips.  We had a bucket list for the summer before freshman year of college, and on that list we did stupid things like go berry picking, and saw all 3 movies at the drive-in.  My best - and strangest - memories are with these girls, and I wouldn't change it for anything.  I love these girls because they let me embrace who I am, and because of them, I have learned to love myself.  I am lucky enough to go to the same school as one of them, but I honestly could not live without any of them.  These girls do not judge me, and when I need them to be there for me, they always are.  I love these girls and would not be who I am without them!


03 June, 2012

Shake It Out

Once in a blue moon, God puts a song in your life that truly speaks to you beyond anything you'd ever expect.  I feel like I've made this pretty obvious, but music really speaks to me.  I'm not very musically talented, I like to sing, but I can't really play any instruments or anything, but I really just love music.  Life without music would be miserable, let me tell you.  I have also said a million times that I have just gotten over one of the hardest years of my life.  I know this song isn't exactly new, but I really just heard the lyrics for the first time like a week ago, and I can't stop listening.
Its like Florence is speaking to me.  It's like she knows what I'm going through, and she's telling me to just get over it.  And I know it sounds harsh, but that's exactly what I need.  It's exactly what Emily and Kelsi and all of my friends have been telling me.  If I want to get over this depression over my ex and all of the crap that happened after my ex and I were done, I need to just decide that I'm done with it and be over it.
Here's where it gets cheesy.
I need to stop dragging this horse around.  I need to bury it in the ground.  Because you know what?  It's really freakin' hard to dance with the devil on your back.  And I want to freakin' dance.
The cheesiness is done, I promise you.  This is just me putting words on a screen, out of my head.  If you think it's stupid then that's fine.  I also love this song because I really like doing weird arm dances and belly dances to it.  Fun fact.



Two things:
1) you're welcome for all the music.  I don't know why, but its just been speaking a lot to me lately so I've been sharing it with you, and I hope you like it.
2) sorry that my blog went from kinda random (i.e. backstreet boys) to really freaking deep.  I'm kinda using this as a way to get my thoughts down, since I'm no longer seeing a counselor (she works for my school) and it really helps.  I just hope I'm not boring you guys.