I have dreams, and they're a lot bigger than what I feel like I can handle at times. I used to be really confident that I could do whatever I wanted to, for I was a big fish in a small pond. I graduated third in my class of 581 (with weighted grades). I took all honors, College in the Schools (CIS), and Advanced Placement (AP) classes. I even asked my counselor if I could transfer health classes in ninth grade because I felt like I couldn't handle being in such a normal leveled class. My head was entirely too big to fit on my neck. Not only did I get all A's except for two A-'s, but I always rocked tests without studying. I got mostly 5's on my AP tests, even for one of the tests that I didn't take the class for. I went into college with sophomore standing, and I was planning to graduate with a 4.0. Then I realized something: college is hard. Also, a lot of people at my school graduated with the same type of rep as me. So now I had to realize that I have to work for what I want. And I might not get it. Realizing this was really hard, because I started to feel like a failure. If I wasn't the best, I felt like a failure. I have come to realize that I don't need to be the best, I just need to be the best I can be.
With my new lack of confidence academically, my new goals and dreams feel like they're too big for me. However, these are my dreams. If I don't try to reach for them, that's even worse than failing. So here I am, writing down my goals, because that's the only way to make them real:
I am going to graduate college with some degree of honors, and I am one day going to make the news of my school, whether it be the front page of the website or the newspaper, because of some sort of accomplishment I make. I am going to try my hardest to get a Fulbright scholarship, and do research overseas somewhere for a year with a brilliant professor. I am then going to go to graduate school at a really good school outside of Minnesota to get my Ph.D. in some sort of psychology, all while teaching undergraduate or doing research, so I have to pay a lot less than full price. I am then going to be a kick ass professor and change lives, all while researching kick ass things in psychology.
Well, there you have it. Those are my dreams. And I haven't even added the "I want to get a boyfriend and potentially get married someday" and whatnot into the mix. This post was more for my sake than yours, because I know it doesn't matter to you what I do. I've just realized that I need to kick myself into gear, because these dreams are really impressive. If I accomplish half of what I want, then I'll have a pretty kick ass resume. Oh, and sorry Tara for the excessive use of the term "kick ass" in this post.
Here's another song to leave you with. It's my theme song, and I listen to it any time I feel like I can't do what I want. But you know what? I'm a hell of a lot bigger than my 5'2" body gives me credit for. This song just makes me remember that I was made for a hell of a lot more than a boring, average life. We all are. I was made to dream, and dream big. This song just makes me excited for the future, rather than terrified that I'll be rejected and fail. I just need to remember something Jillian Michaels has taught me: You are strong. This is easy for you. There is nothing you can't do!